Artemis Fowl and Far Too Many Crossovers
by Molly Little
Summary: Artemis meets a girl named Molly Little.Spiro has a son that kidnaps Grub. Spiro's kid has a new invention that puts Artemis and Molly into the books they've read, like HP,Teen Titans,Inuyasha, & anything else!R&R so i don't kill u!i suck at summaries
1. Chapter 1

**** **_Deja vu Much?_**

James moved around a bit, trying his best to keep his Armani suit away from the dirty ground. He and his bodyguard had been waiting in thickets for 3 weeks straight, and the number of ruined priceless suits was growing rapidly. "Anything?" he hissed impatiently to Smith. He had no idea how Smith was so patient. He could not sit in one place for over a minute. This was very boring work. The odds were completely against them, but the chances of finding their target _could_ happen at any time, and that was the thought that kept him from not even going.

"No, sir." Smith whispered obediently. James scoffed. If there was one thing he did not posess, it was the power to wait. He was used to quick results, and expected nothing less. He checked his watch. 2:53. If he kept this up he would aquire dark bags under his eyes, which would stick out terribly on his pale, thin face. His father would then comment on how 'the ladies' do not find that 'hot,' and then find him some facial creme and give him more coupons for a tanning booth. James shuddered. He couldn't stand his father's constant hints on what 'the ladies' liked and disliked. His father had gotten it into his mind that his son needed to lose his virginity before he was 18. Being 17, his father figured that he would need to 'set him up' with a girl. James had gone through the torture of going out with over 35 girls who were all exactly alike. Blonde, large-breasted, and with the IQ of a grapefruit. He would only be happy with a girl who's intellect matched his own. Of course, he thought that there weren't any girls like that. How very wrong he was.

"Sir, we have something!" Smith whispered excitedly. James looked at the tiny monitor in Smith's hands. It was heat-seeking, and a small patch of heat was indeed in front of them next to the big tree. James peered over the bushes to see a small figure searching for something on the ground. James felt his heart leap into his throat.

"Open fire." he hissed to Smith. Smith took out a small dart-shooter, and fired at the figure.

Corporal Grub Kelp took off his helmet and began rummaging through the dead, autumn leaves for an acorn. He knew that he would need to complete the Ritual before winter set in. He heard a strange whizzing noise behind him. He turned around just as a stunner dart hit him in the chest.

"Mommy..."

Professor Colehan gave a wide grin. "Students, we have a new student today." Artemis didn't bother looking up. A new student. Goodie. Just another immature 16-year old boy who's hormones were setting in, making them think of nothing but 'getting laid.' Artemis didn't understand how they could be entertained tlaking about nothing but was the do and do not do in their bedrooms with girls. "Please give a warm welcome to-" he looked down at the paper, and furrowed his brow. He walked into the hallway, and they could hear hushed voices, probably of the Professor and Headmaster. Then he came back in with a obviously false grin and said, "please welcome Saint Bartleby's first ever female student, Molly Little." Artemis looked up just in time to see a pretty, auburn-haired girl walk into the room with a vampire smile.

Artemis walked into the room with a bored expression on his face. The school had found a new psychiatrist. He was looking forward to sending him packing, but he was very absent-minded today. His mind was in his room, with the latest transmission from Holly. The newest mystery involved some pixie who had suffered a thievery of their antique golden statue. Artemis' main suspicions were that the thief was a tunneling dwarf. Holly had found a way to get the small transmission into his dormitory. Luckily, the other boys had not yet noticed the strange monitors occasionally turning up on his bed. He was almost positive that most of them had begun spreading rumors that he had an outside source delivering him pornography.

He went to his usual seat, and turned around to see the man. However, all he saw was a computer. He stared at the blank screen, when suddenly an Instant Message popped up. He leaned over to read it.

_Hello Artemis. It's nice to finally meet you. I've heard so much about you._

Artemis quickly typed back, _Hello there. May I ask why you are not actually confronting me face-to-face? _There was a pause.

_I'm mute, _the message said. _But you do not need to type. I can hear you fine._

"Very well." Artemis said aloud.

_So Artemis, tell me about yourself. _Artemis thought for a moment.

"Well, I'm a boy genius-" he mused. He could have sworn that he heard a slight titter from the shadowed part of the room. "Excuse me, but didn't you tell me that you were mute?" he asked.

_Of course I am._ Replied the computer.

"Hmm..." Artemis said, stroking his temple. "So why are you hiding?" Another long pause.

_Isn't everyone entitled to some privacy?_

"Well, for all you know, you could be making me feel insecure, or untrusted." He heard a sigh from the other side of the room. "I knew you weren't mute." he said with a smug grin.

"I knew you would say that." replied a feminine voice. Then, out of the shadows walked Molly Little. "I must say, Artemis, you certainly have rid the school of many psychiatrists. Exactly how many again?" she said, looking through his file. Artemis was stunned. This... _girl_ was the new psychiatrist! She didn't look a day over 16! _His _age! She smiled at him. "Care to come back from Wonderland, Alice?" she asked.

"Certainly, miss Little. I was just slightly puzzled that a student would be given a spot on the faculty."

"Yes, it is a slightly odd story," she said, nodding. " When I got the job, I was also given the right to watch the students _in their natural habitat._ Besides, I've been home-schooled my whole life, so I wanted to see what I was missing my whole life." she said, giving him a dazzling smile.

"Not much," he muttered.

"So you are unhappy with the school?" she asked politely, obviously trying to sound only curious, while she was in fact trying to analyze him. He shrugged. _Why did you let that slip!_ He thought angrily. _Did you forget that _you_ are supposed to be the one playing mind games?_

"Tell me, Miss Little, just how old are you?"

"Sixteen," she replied. "And you?"

"Sixteen as well, though I doubt you didn't know that already." She nodded. "Tell me, don't you think it may be awkward being the only female in an all boys boarding school? For example, where shall you sleep? Surely not the dormitories." Surprisingly, she blushed.

"Actually..." he groaned.

"What room?"

"Room 20," she said, turning an even deeper shade of pink. Of course she already knew he was in that room. She had it in the papers all the faculty recieved. Artemis nearly blushed, but remembered to appear calm and collected.

"Are you planning on telling the other boys that you are not only a peer but a faculty member?" Artemis asked, trying to change the subject.

"No. In fact, you especially were not supposed to find out, but I had a feeling that you would. It was all the headmaster's idea. If you don't mind me saying so, I don't think that he is as clever as the pamphlets cracked him up to be." she said, smiling at him. Artemis was about to agree when his cellphone went off. He checked who it was from and nearly choked. He was recieving a call from LEP headquarters.

"Good morning, Corporal." said a voice as soon as Grub opened his eyes. He tried to sit up, but was strapped down.

"Where am I?" he asked the mean sounding voice.

"You do not need to know that Corporal Kelp. All you need to know is taht you are a prisoner here, and that the more you obey, the more chance you'll be fed." the voice replied. Grub sniffled. All he wanted was to go home to his mommy. Why did these things always happen to him?

"What do you want?" he asked.

"Nothing short of World Domination, Kelp."

"H-how do you know my name?" he asked. "It's written in Gnommish!" the voice chuckled.

"I am fluent, Corporal. I am a far larger threat than you believe." Grub was by now terrified. A mud-man who knew Gnommish? How? Why? He felt his eyes tearing.

"I want my Mommy!" he yelled between sobs.

"Holy crap," the voice muttered. "What a baby."

"I need to take this call." Artemis said, standing up. Molly frowned.

"Very well. You can take it outside. But Artemis," she said as he walked out the door, making him turn around. "Come back, would you?" Artemis frowned. He had been planning on leaving.

"Perhaps, miss Little.Perhaps."


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay, i know this is a kinda short chapter, but i felt i should update soon. this or nothing, after all. Besides, i had serious technical difficulties where i needed to call some internet help guy to teach me how to post this chapter. Anyway, i have the next few chapters all ready, so as long as i get enough reviews... lets say... 6, until i post the next. So, you want more chapters, you review more.**

"Hello?" he asked.  
"Artemis Fowl, you are summoned to LEP headquarters. Should you refuse, we will need to use force. A Recon officer is waiting for you outside shielded. He'll recognize you."

"I am guessing that this is Sool. If so, I want to know why I am needed in Haven." said artemis.

"Im asking the questions here, and I dont care what you want to know. You're coming or else. Now move it." Artemis thought for a moment. What was the harm in going to Haven? He was actually beginning to miss it.

"Very well then." Artemis went outside, and a fairy appeared in front of him.

"Hello Artemis. Now, just do everything I tell you to, alright?" said the smooth,  
dreamy voice. Artemis eyes got glazed over.

"Good..."

* * *

How was it possible? Artemis was a friend to the People. Not the best friend in the world, but certainly not enemies. Besides, Artemis would never do the same thing twice. It was unheard of. Foaly munched on a carrot, deep in thought. He only knew of one fairy who knew Artemis, and she wasnt in the LEP anymore. Foaly looked around. No one was watching. They were all too busy discussing the case. Foaly quietly picked up the phone and dialed our favorite red-headed elfs number. **(A/N how am I doing with this? Plz give constructive critizism. I dont mind it I LOVE IT! hehehehehehehehehe. JP)

* * *

**

"Whatcha got Mulch?" Holly was swamped. Too many cases, and none ofthem were getting solved. She hadn't heard from Artemis in awhile, but the only thing she really needed was the LEP. She was barely able to get a gun, and Mulch couldnt get any equipment with his past police record. And she could never go to the surface, which was killing her. She needed to fly, and see the real sky! But...it was the right choice, leaving the LEP. After all, how could she possibly try to work for the people who accused her of murdering Julius. She couldn't work with them. Never. Right?

"Not much, Holly. This guy just vanished. Plain and simple. Friends, family, none of them have a clue where he is or where he might be." Holly rubbed her temples.  
How could she help the People if she couldnt even crack these mediocre cases? At that moment, her cell phone went off.

"Hello? Holly and Mulch, PI, how can I help-"

" Holly!" yelled a familiar voice.

"Foaly! Whats the matter?" Holly asked worriedly. Foaly rarely called. In fact,  
Holly didnt think he was even allowed to.

"Its Fowl. Sool thinks hes kidnapped Grub Kelp! They just sent a Recon officer to bring him down to Haven! I'm not supposed to be telling you this, but I do think that the LEP might ask for your help, if Sool stops being such a-"

"Grubs been kidnapped?" Holly asked.

"Yes. We have his signal, but we havent sent Recon yet. Right now, hes traveling in America."

"Alright, well I'll get ready in case they do ask for help. Call me back soon." Holly hung up with a strange feeling in her stomach. She had a feeling that this was the start of another adventure.

* * *

Molly looked out the window and saw Artemis walking away. She hadn't expected him to stay of course. Did he really think she was that stupid? Quickly, she pulled on a coat over her jeans and tight fitting green tee-shirt. It was chilly out, after all, being September. She opened her door leading outside and started walking toward him.

"Artemis! Stop! Where are you going?" she yelled at him. He kept walking. She ran over. "Artemis, you are not allowed to leave the school without a parent!" she told him angrilly.

"Act normally, Artemis. Tell her that you have urgent business to attend to." whispered the fairy in Artemis' ear.

"I have urgent business to attend to." Artemis said.Molly put her hands on her hips.

"If its so urgent, then why walk? I know for a fact that your butler can get here in less than 2 minutes tops." If Artemis hadnt been under the mesmer, he would have been quite surprised that she knew this. However, control over his mind was long gone. Molly scowled. She had been hoping to get him with that. He was supposed to become curious if she was spying on him. He certainly had the best poker face she had ever seen.

"He is out sick. Me and a few people are going somewhere, and it is quite important. I do not need you interfering." Molly looked surprised, and somewhat puzzled.

"Artemis... you... are a genius, yes?" she asked.

"Of course. Why would you think differently."

"Well, you just made a very juvenille grammatical error that I would not have expected from anyone older than a sixth grader." she retorted.

"I didnt make a grammatical error." Bob **(fairy's name, couldn't think of something better) **mumbled, causing Artemis to say it as well. Molly scoffed.

"Are you telling me that you have never learned the correct placement of the words I and me?" she asked incredously. Now Bob was getting angry. He was certainly not the best student in the world. To tell the truth, he was actually pretty dumb, and hated when people reminded him of this by correcting him.

"Listen up, Mudgirl, I really need to get this Mudboy- I mean, I really need to leave now, and I dont want to be late. Just leave us- me- alone! I don't care whether or not you tell the Headmaster about this!" Molly slitted her eyes. She wouldnt really be telling the Headmaster. If there was one thing Molly Little would never be, it was a rat.

"Artemis, I am not allowed to let you leave without a parent or guardian. I do not want to get sacked on my first day!" she said, now truly ticked off.

"I dont give a d'arvit what the d'arvit you can or cant do. I just want to get this- I mean, I just need to get going!" yelled Artemis angrilly. Molly made a mental note that Artemis had emotional outbursts. Then something struck her.

"Darvit, what does that mean?" she asked curiously. The fairy blushed. She had no idea what she was saying. It was actually quite funny. **(A/N I trust you all know what darvit means. LoL)**

"It's a...foreign language." Artemis said. "You wouldnt know it."Molly put her hands on her hips.

"Artemis, I am fluent in all languages of the world. I think I would know if it were a foreign language."

"Its... uh... a dirty word. Slang, you know. You wouldnt know _them, _now would you?" Molly actually smirked.

"Just because I havent used them near you doesnt mean I dont know and sometimes use them." she said. Artemis took his last option. He raised a fist and hissed in a menacing voice,

"Leave or I'll make you." Molly laughed.

"I could take you anytime I wanted." Bob sighed. It appeared this wasnt going to go quite as smoothly as he had wished.

**Yes, yes, very short. How did you like it, though? anyway, review and tell me. Next chapter is going to be very cool. Stick around! LoL (i can't believe i actually said that)**


	3. Chapter 2 and a Half

**Okay, this is a very quick thing, because I want to say this before I need to type up my huge next chapter. To 'anonymous,' yes, I suppose that Artemis is kinda OOC. I tried to get him right, but it wouldn't fit into my story. No offense taken though. However, I don't think I'll be able to really change him too much. This is after the 4th though, so I guess he got a little softer at the end, right? Anyway, thanks for the reviews everyone, but I won't post the next chapter until I get... hmm... 5 more reviews. Fair enough? You can post more than one review though. And if it is over... 3 sentences, I'll count it as 2 reviews, kk? Alright, well I hope you enjoy the next chappie! **


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